Madness

Goodbye 2007

2007-12-31T12:56:00.000-08:00

Hi computer, me again :-) well it has really been a long time since I have been here and written anything. Well a lot has happened since the last time I wrote something and yes my heart has been broken :-( but hey that is life and how we learn not so?
Well the man of my dreams that I have decided to give my trust to disappeared not to let me hear a word from him. I can say I am heart broken as I truly believed in him ;/ well it has taught me one thing. Don't trust so easily hehehe I almost made the mistake of my life there by giving up everything to go to a new country. Luckily my common sense and friends convinced me to wait first to see what happens and it is just as well I did that hey?
Well I came to Cape Town and I am really enjoying it here, I am resting and getting myself sorted out. Ready to start the new year, 2008 anew with a new outlook on the world.
One of the lessons I have learned is be discriminating with your trust and don't belief what other people say as they are not as open as yourself. Laughing out loud I belief because I mean what I say others do the same. I am lucky though that I have met a couple of people who do mean what they say and they make it worth while.
I still belief I want a relationship but mmmmm to find the right person that will love me and accept me for who I am well I have to be patient and just know that he is out there for me.
2007 has been a very hard year and I think with a lot of lessons and I hope I have learned something from it.
I have discovered a wonderful masseur and ladies if you can get one to give you a sensual massage take it!!! it is worth every cent you spend on it :)
I have also very bravely posed in the nude for an art group and it was such an amazing experience as I discovered that I like myself as I am at this moment. It seems to have freed me up a lot from a lot of old inhibitions and I have been able to move on.
For 2008 I hope that I can set my goals and reach them and that every single wish I have come true and I hope that all my family, loved ones and friends also have their wishes come true :D
I leave you with love, peace and light
Go well and be save
AM

Absolute truth!!

2007-11-11T08:10:00.000-08:00

Ok so today it hit me!!! Slap bang between the eyes!!!!! I was driving to my parents this morning when this happened and I almost made an accident the shock was so great!!

For the first time in my life I was able to be brutally honest with myself and if you would like to know what this honesty was? Well I will tell you this truth that hit me so hard this morning, at 09h55.

I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE ANYMORE!!! Yes I have at long last been honest with myself, I want to be in a relationship, I want someone to love me, I want someone to take care of me, I want to be there for someone when he comes home from work or wherever. I have made up my mind that I want this and I will have it.

I am going to meet my future husband in December and move to a strange country with him. I will be at long last finding my purpuse and that is to have a mate. He is not just any mate, he is my soulmate, my twinflame, the being I spend a lot of time with when I am not on this plane experiencing the human life, in this life though it is destinined that we will be together!

I have been pushing and fighting against this idea even though I accepted his offer to move to his country, I have been so negative and scared and doubtful that I actually have been starting to create a negative result, but no more!!!

Last nite I had a friend over and he actually came to have sex, lol I was ok until he started talking about all these other woman and something in me just snapped if I can call it that? I suddently realised I don't want to be with this man, I made him coffee, had a chat and then I send him on his way.

He just wants to use me and ok I will also be using but I don't want this anymore, I want to be with someone I love, I respect, that loves and respects me as well. Someone that sees the beauty in me and not just a play thing for his weird needs.

I am very guilty there I have always played along with this as I thought that it is also something I need but I realised this morning, ok it started last night but it smacked me this morning! I want so much more, I deserve so much more and now is the time to acknowledge this fact and accept it, as you know accepting something can be very difficult, but i am accepting this and I will change my life to make sure I get what I want.

I am now in a much more peaceful space having acknowledged this and busy with the acceptance of it.

I am now ready to start a new life and let go of my old ways. The date today is so significant for this 11/11 it usually means the end of times so I am coming to the end of a life and starting a new life. One with a wonderful, caring, giving, loving man who I will cherish and spoil and love very much as he is my heart, my life and my destiny.

Go well and love to all

Zodiac Match

2007-10-24T10:18:00.001-07:00

The Zodiac Match Test

My Result: Aries

Initially, an Aries is likely to catch your eye with their flirty charm and social ways. But as you get to know them better, you're apt to be even more drawn to an Arian's strength and confidence. People born under this sign typically know what they want out of life. They're also usually ready with a well-drawn game plan of how to achieve their dreams. In matters of the heart, don't expect an Aries to get too sentimental. Just be satisfied that this partner will both be generous and have an eye for quality. In the bedroom, people tend to find the Ram to be a passionate lover with a robust sex drive. It's just one more way that Arians try to get the most out of life and live it to the fullest — even if that means sometimes living on the edge.

Take this test >

It has been a while

2007-10-23T22:22:00.000-07:00

Hi computer, yes it has been a while since I last wrote in my blog and yes I am going through some major changes at the moment. I have been working on myself as I have to learn to trust and have faith.
Damn did u know how difficult that can be? If you are tested in lots of ways to see how much trust and faith you have.
I know this is a major big lesson to learn as when I have learned this lesson I will be on a totally new plane and that is what I want.
I am in love with someone I have not met yet and it is freaking me out I want to tell u. I don't know how it has happened and now this is the part that I am having to start trusting and having faith.
The love of my life, my soulmate, the man that has taken over my heart is coming on holiday with me in December. We are going to get to know each other and I just know it will be a coming together of two halves. I wish I can explain this but this is how it feels to me, I can feel his energy and it is all around me all the time, like a protective caccoon enfolding me keeping me safe.
Now this coming together as one does not mean you have to lose yourself to the other person it only means that you will feel whole and it is important never to give yourself over for someone else to run, the best relationship is one where you have to whole entities that can be together and work as a unit but still have your own identity, knowing myself I know I will want my space from time to time and I know my love will want the same.
I have this deep knowing that we will be able to be together in utter silence and just be. Comfortable in each others company.
Ok I have now let out some of my thoughts now I can start my day.

You all have a great day now!

Stupidity

2007-10-10T21:28:00.000-07:00

Ok so yes I tend to start it this way, it has been a while!

I am just going to vent this morning on my stupidity as I am the only one to blame if I get hurt. I can't belief that I am so stupid to get caught up on an online romance thing and then get hurt as well and where my stupidity comes in is that I believed that something like that can work!!!!
How fucking stupid can you get you might ask me so I will tell you. FUCKING STUPID!!!!!!!!
I think it went over the excitement of everything and those feelings that can be stirred and then you get caught up in the moment and start believing what people tell u. I personally belief people easily as I will say and do only what I mean, I think that is what catches a lot of people with me as I do what I say I will do.
I find it difficult to understand people that just say things without meaning them. If I make a promise I will keep it to the best of my ability and if I can't do it I will then say I can't.
So I got caught up in an online romance and I think because someone told me a few months back something like that will happen I actually created it in my sub conscious because I wanted it to happen.
I am now standing back and thinking that my declaration of loving being single and living on my own might be null and void as I so readily was going to give up everything in my life that I have and that I worked for to go to a country where I won't even understand the language!!! God I can just see myself trying to communicate and having to learn a new language at my age. Although they say u are never to old to learn but at the best of times I have a problem getting my tongue around certain words in Afrikaans and English now I have to try with a foreign language as well!
Luckily this did not go to far and I am sitting with a broken heart and lovely friends who will help me get over this and a life lesson that I will not forget in a hurry.
If I go back on a chat - keep it simple and fun and don't get involved except on a chat basis with anyone!!!!
Ok that is me for now I better start my day.
Have a lovely day!

Wow life is great!!!

2007-09-27T22:07:00.001-07:00

Ok so it has been a while since I last posted but a lot has happened in that time. You know life is actually a funny thing, a few months ago I got a astrology reading from someone who said I am going to meet a man and he will be my life partner and I will meet him on a dating site and I must not dismiss him but give him a chance. Well I always get these readings and will read it and then forget all about it which I have done so imagine my surprise when 2 weeks ago I met someone not on a dating site but a chat site and we started e-mailing each other. He is the most amazing person on earth and I belief I have fell madly in love with him!!!!! How is this possible? To fall in love with someone you have never met before? I feel such a connection with him and I know I am going to spend the rest of my life with this wild viking and I know that he is going to make me ecstatically happy for the rest of my life.
I know some people will start warning me and belief me my own brain has already started with the logical side coming up with all kinds of warnings but damn I am going to start following my heart this time. The other thing that is also nice is that he offered me a job which i accepted as well, so I am planning on doing something else and that is living a dream of being on the ocean.
I am one of the few people I know that can create what I want in my life, knowing this I have to be careful as when I start becoming negative I can create the negative as well so I always have to look and beware of my thoughts!
I am this morning feeling very excited as it is weekend and closer to December and I have asked my wild viking to come here and go away with me for the holidays so that we can get to know each other before I make that big move to another country. Although I know it is going to happen, as it is predicted that I am going to live in an European country and this time I will follow the path that has been predicted for me.
Moving away to a country that I don't know with no family or friends and a language that I don't know is going to be such a challenge and adventure and I can't wait for it anymore to happen.
So I will keep up to date with what is happening in the life of a mad dolphin hehehe

Take care and be well, love u all to bits.

Madness is back

2007-09-17T22:23:00.000-07:00

Ok so I am in a weird space again what must I do about it is what I want to know? Actually I have discovered that the best way to deal with this is by just being and feeling what is happening inside myself and then accepting it and letting it go.

I am going to blame the fact that I am tired and want my holiday now!! I feel myself moving to that place where I just want to crawl into a little hole again cover myself up and telling everyone to just go and leave me alone.

Do you have any idea how much energy it takes to be happy and joyful during the day just to hide the fact that you would rather sulk in a corner? Well I can tell you it is exhausting!!

Basically I am feeling unloved and uncared for and I do know it is the biggest lot of rubbish out there but that is how I am feeling at this moment in time and I am going to just go with it. I was so glad to find out yesterday Monday is a public holiday. I have already planned my weekend and belief me it involves a lot of reading. I am going to transport myself into the magical world of the written word, might actually also watch some movies as I have a lot to watch but I belief reading might be the best.

Anyway I thought I should just write something otherwise time just pass and nothing gets said and this is my blog where I can be miserable if I want to be.

Have a nice day.

Quiet

2007-09-11T22:32:00.000-07:00

Ok so I have been very quiet the last week or so. A lot of things have happened and it sort of freaked me out a little bit.

I have been very busy, was sort of coaxed out of my little hole, comfort zone and went out more lately. It was nice and I enjoyed myself but I almost instantly wish I was back alone at my place.

Now don't get me wrong I really enjoyed myself but being an introvert it is very difficult to mix with others when u have indulged in doing your own thing.

I did something last week that was so nerve wrecking and exciting at the same time and made me just want more!!! I am not going to go into detail here as it is very private.

I also became very brave and confronted someone who knows I detest confrontation. It was a very freeing experience to actually stand my ground.

Sexy man is not just a sexy man he is a very wise man and showed me that the person feeling inadequate and with no self esteem or worth tried to turn all the tables on me. Thank you sexy man u are the best thing in the world. I hope you realize that?

I also became extremely brave and booked myself a holiday in December on my own. It is the first time I am doing something like this. All my life I have been going to other people, family, friends etc.

Although I have already got a couple of commitments for the holiday with friends in Cape Town I will only see them for a day and not every day as it always have been. I am honest looking way forward to this experience.

My sister who is not really my sister but if I had to have one she would be it as she is a soul sister has created a chat site for me and it is so exciting to watch her do it. I stayed with her this last weekend and went with her to her daughters matric farewell. Do you know every single girl that was there looked like a fairy princess it is so wonderful to see these beautiful girls going into womanhood and so beautiful and poised.

It was such a wonderful weekend as I visited with them, relaxing and comforting being with someone that loves and cares for you. The funny thing was we could sit for hours together not saying a word and it was ok as just being with her was wonderful. It is truly lovely and wonderful to have a sister and friend that understands that you don't have to talk the whole time. It is just to be together that is important.

I have moved into such a wonderful space at the moment and almost feel myself again, happy and content with the way things are going. I am full of laughs and find it funny that I allowed myself to fall into a bottomless pit which is not so bottomless after all.

I promise to write more often as it really helps to just get the stuff off my brain and somewhere else.

Have a sunshine day!

Spring has sprung!!!

2007-09-01T04:45:00.000-07:00

Yeah!!! it is spring new season new outlook the season has changed and it is time to have fun!!

I have ventured out of the house and am visiting my friends and having a ball, just ordering the friends kids to make coffee and bring cold drinks, maybe I should change my mind about having kids NOT!!!!!

It is nice being with friends again and out of the house and letting myself be with people, I am going to enjoy it even though I feel somewhere inside I want to be on my own.

I also miss sexy man it is so strange that I am getting used to chatting to him every day even if I don't see him on a regular basis I enjoy talking to him and telling him things that I won't tell anyone else about things that i tell him on a daily basis.

anyway it is just a short note that I am leaving here today.

Have a wonderful spring day and let the monthe of September have smiles and giggles

I Wonder?

2007-08-29T22:55:00.001-07:00

Today is one of those days where I am wondering about a lot of things, yesterday I was ready to quite. Pack my bags and just leave, drive until I can't anymore and wherever I am settling down and starting a new life.

Doing that though will I actually leave behind the things that is bothering me? Answer to that question is not really, I will run away and they will come back bigger and badder that before and then it will be even more difficult to deal with them.

So here I am today wondering how I create such a negative life force at the moment, and let me tell you I know all about creating as I am very good at creating things in my life, usually I create good things but at this moment it is negative.

That is why I decided to write here again as it seems to help to get things out in the open for me. I have a lot of pain at the moment and I do know that if I sort out the emotional the physical will be sorted out automaticly.

Now to start sorting out the emotional is where the problem lie! I apparently as I see it do not want to go to that place that is causing all the negativity in my life, I am skirting around it and might glimpse at it but just don't go to it.

I am quite capable of going there myself but I think for this issue I will need help and support and the one person who used to do that for me stays in Cape Town and I can't get there at the moment, work is busy and I am obviously avoiding so will make excuses.

I have to find a mentor in Johannesburg who can take me through the process of looking at these emotional issues that i do not want to look at.

Now if you know me you will know that I always keep a distance from other people and I think this is also the reason I do this. So my next mission is to go and find out what I am clinging onto and for what reason I am not wanting to look at it.

You all have a nice day now.

Sex and sexuality

2007-08-22T22:08:00.000-07:00

This is my view on sex and sexuality and I don't expect others to agree with me.

When I grew up I was an over sexual child, this might seem funny to people to hear this but I have a lot of sexuality and I grew up in a time when that was frowned upon. I was made to feel that sex is a dirty thing and if you enjoyed it well that was just plain wrong. So I had a lot of guilt around my sexuality and the fact that I enjoyed sex.

It was years later in my late 30's in fact that i realized that sex is a wonderful, pleasurable experience and there is no guilt attached to enjoying sex. If you enjoy sex and you have a partner that is also amazing at it and enjoys it as much as you then the experience is that much more intense.

Having sex with someone is a give and take situation, you give as much as what you get and it is a mind blowing experience.

I have had partners that just don't give they want all the pleasure but is not prepared to give pleasure as well and then it feels totally wrong. I belief that is when it starts feeling dirty and the guilt can set in.

I was brought up with the idea that if you have sex with someone else except your husband it is because you are looking for approval and I actually bought into that concept. Today I realize it has nothing to do with looking for approval.

I have had a lover that was so intense in giving me pleasure that I belief I became addicted to the experience of having an orgasm and it spoiled me by me having partners after him that just was horrible and the act became a release at some level but not what I wanted.

Now I have met someone that has the same view as myself and once again the act of making love is an amazing experience.

Being a very sexual being I view sex very important indeed in my life and I could not understand that both my husbands was A-sexual well that is until last night when I was told that I chose men that was the opposite to me and wham!! the light bulb was switched on for me in a big way! If they were the opposite to me then yes they would be a-sexual as I am so sexual.

It was not my fault that they did not like sex as I firmly believed and damn that screwed me up for a very long time in my life. I believed that I was not attractive to men and it made me very insecure. Now my friend and lover has shown me that it was not me but them, they could not help that they were the way that they were and that their libido was non existent.

I am enjoying my life and being with someone else is a lot of fun but I really enjoy my own company the most. It makes me appreciate being with someone that much more. I think that knowing that I can be with someone that appreciates all different types of lovemaking is going to be just the most amazing time ahead and my wish is that more people can experience this without that horrible guilt that loves to pop out its head.

Guilt has no opposite and once again this is my view and opinion and therefore if there is no opposite to guilt then guilt does not exist.

I belief guilt was created by people who with guilt and making others feel guilty control other people. It is so easy to play the martyr and by doing that you so wrap another person in guilt that they will do whatever you want them to do. So remember people there is no such thing as guilt and if you feel guilty it is because that is a way other people control you and make you do things that you don't really want to do. So let it go!

Well that is me for now, have a wonderful day and let the sun shine on you.

What's wrong with being nice?

2007-08-15T21:30:00.000-07:00

You might think this is a strange question to ask but it seem that if you are polite, friendly, nice and happy people think that it is a sign of being weak. That is correct you have read right I said weak.

This is something that I am discovering more and more as i am polite, friendly, nice and happy and I am experiencing people trying to walk all over me. I also have a lot of patience so it takes quite a bit to actually make me angry but o boy the day I get angry and feel that you have p*ssed on my battery once to often well what can I say that is the day I turn and baby your goose is cooked and I mean cooked! Solidly.

I had a boss that actually introduced me to my new boss his replacement as saying "If she likes you she will follow you to hell but if she does not like you then you can forget it" I was taken aback by that statement but on reflection I realized he was correct. I will do and cover for the person I like but if I don't like you then I will just do the necessary and any screw ups you will have to sort out yourself I won't help or deflect the brunt of the problem. Deal with it yourself.

Well I have decided that yes I am nice and all but obviously people don't appreciate nice and for that reason I am going to bring out the bitch a bit and they can deal with her. I will but miss nice on ice for a while.

Actually that can be a lot of fun and I can get a lot of laughs out of it so that would make life very intresting and entertaining for a while.

Well I am hearing all kinds of funny noises so I must go and investigate to see where it is coming from.

Be well and remember when u meet that nice person don't think they are weak they are just happy in themselves and can be nice to the rest of the world. Don't awaken the dragon inside of them.

Sunshine and laughter!!

Fun?

2007-08-14T10:13:00.000-07:00

Ok where did the time go since I have last been here? I can't belief it is the 14th today!

Fun how many people actually have fun? It might be a funny question but ask yourself this same question. "Do I actually have fun in my life?"

We get up in the morning, get in our cars or our bikes, taxis, buses or which ever way of transport we take to get to work. Sit in traffic for hours unless like me you go to work 2 hours before you actually have to be there to miss the traffic. Then at the office you have some idiot that think they are the boss where in the meantime they only work on a contractual basis for your company but they get away with all kinds of things because they are the bosses girl/boyfriend and you are not allowed to say or do anything against this person.

Well today was very close or we actually told this person to f**k off back to their place where they can if they want quiet work in quiet but at the office there are other people all working in one office and yes we are loud, we discuss things heatedly at times when we find out we have made a mistake and no we do not try to hide our mistakes we actually try to sort it out even when it sounds as if we are having a major argument we are actually having a discussion.

This is one of the ways we actually have fun in the office we can say rather rude things to each other and belief me it never gets ugly and we don't go under the belt and call each other ugly names and we can have a good laugh about it afterwards.

So this is one way of having fun and then you do get that person that is a drag and bring down the whole house when they walk in.

We used to sit and laugh and tell jokes but was told we are to noisy so now we tend to sit in quiet and do our work and it has taken some of the fun out of the work place for me.

I have a habit that when I do boring things or tedious things and it might get to be a drag I will start playing little games with myself, part of my job is selling and being on the phone a lot of the time during the day. Well I have discovered that I have an ability to make people laugh by just laughing and saying something silly or rather I say something silly and then laugh about it and appologised for it. I have found a lot of fun doing this and the person on the other side also have a little bit of fun for the day. You would be surprised how depressed a lot of people actually is out there.

Hahaha it also helps that I have a extremely sexy voice and a laugh that is very naughty so people respond to it immediately.

also if you are in a habit of having a lot of fun when you are depressed you quickly realise it is a horrible place to be and you want to move to that fun place. So it is easy to pick yourself up by your boot straps and start making a plan to have some fun.

If it is by meditating and looking at what issue you have to sort out to get out of that pit then go for it and it is not long before you are back in that happy go lucky place where life is a blast. Just beware that some schrew don't put a damper on the mood.

I also find that it helps if you had a hard time at work that when you drive home in that horrible traffic jams it is a good therapy to scream and shout and then see how funny it is and then have a good giggle about it.

Actually thanks I really feel great able to being able to share all this with whoever reads my blog.

Have a wonderful day and remember laugh and the day will feel great.

Yeah long weekend!!

2007-08-08T07:47:00.000-07:00

What can I say? It is long weekend!!! I can't tell you how much I have been looking forward to this break, I am totally tired and just want to go and sleep for the whole weekend but unfortunately that never happens.

I am planning on having a nice relaxed time, watching dvds and am going on Saturday to have reflexology again. Man o man I wish I can tell you how nice it is. There really is nothing in the world like it. It takes you totally into another world.

I am rather cold at the moment, the cold front has come with a vengeance and the best place is under the blankets.

My heart is sore as my friends mothers funeral is today and she said she suddenly feels like an orphan as if she does not belong. I feel like telling her she is welcome to share my parents with me. I really have wonderful parents. She has though her children and they are a lovely close family.

I am still sitting on my resentment with those people that owes me money and should really be working at dealing with those feelings, I find myself very irritable with everyone around me and it is unfair on others to take my moods out on them. Hopefully this will also pass soon and I can really move to my old happy go lucky self again. I actually don't enjoy myself this way either.

Well it is almost time to go home and start a lovely weekend and hopefully I will see a sexy man this weekend as well. Now that will put a smile on my face!

Have a happy weekend and just relax and rest.

Saturday yeah!

2007-08-04T01:03:00.000-07:00

Saturday morning and I am still in bed! It is so nice to be able to just be lazy for a bit, not to rush out at ungodley hours to go to work.

I have to get going just now as I realised yesterday that the petrol shortage is for real on my side of the world, I will have to go fill up with petrol or I am going to find it difficult to get to work.

Hahaha unexpected vacation, although with modern technology I actually do not have to be at work to do my work. I have the internet and a phone I can easily do my work from home and being connected I can communicate with the designer of the mag at all times. So whether I am at home or at work I can work from both.

I think going to the office everyday just makes you aware that you have to work and it is nice to interact with other people, even for me who is at the moment far more comfortable being on my own than with others, if I really want to be with or even just talk to others I can pick up the phone and call them or even log onto a chat site but at this point I am not all that intrested to do that.

I am blessed with wonderful friends who understand that I need my space at times so they will interact with me when I feel the need for their loving support.

I also am furious as I had so called friends and when they asked me for my help I gladly gave it but now that they have to pay back they are gone!! I belief I might have spoken about this before so ok I will not bore you with this topic again.

Last night I was watching the most boring movies on tv and decided to play on the internet and downloaded something, it just made me so confused as it asked something I don't understand so now I must go find clever person to help me. It is fun though because I just venture into things I don't understand so I have to learn to deal with it and I am not shy to ask for help. I love learning new things even if I say at times I don't.

Do u know that I sometimes wonder what is going on here in SA. I was listening to the news the other morning about the girl that was raped at the hospital and when someone on the report said we live in South Africa and we should accept that we have to live with alarms and in fear I thought to myself that is the biggest load of B...S... I have ever heard!!!!!! Why should we get used to live in fear? Why must we actually accept this situation. We are basicly trained by the government that people who do bad things is more protected. Damn if you want to do something bad it should be murder instead of theft as for murder you would be out of prison much quicker than theft or fraught.

You drive home night or day and you have to make sure no one follows you, why is the crime so bad and we just sheepishly accept the situation. My boss said people get trained to be a certain way and he is so right, we are trained to accept the situation in South Africa and we actually just adapt our lives to it.

So we live and work in fear and in security places which if the thief want to get in he will actually because if they are planning on getting your hard earned things they will do it.

Hahahaha ok that is me off my little soap box, I just feel like uttering some thoughts that has been milling in my mind the last couple of days.

I hope your day is one of pleasure and abundance and full of sunshine laughter.

Be good

Live Life

2007-08-02T22:25:00.000-07:00

So last night was amazing and I was able to release some pent up energy and I feel great this morning. On the other hand I got an sms from lady at work to inform me that one of the other ladies at work who I also consider a wonderful friend lost her mother.

It makes you think about your own mortality. I know that when I die I want a party at my funeral in fact I don't want a funeral, just have a party and remember my life, my good points and bad points and then now that if you loved me I definitely loved you and I will be in your heart for ever and more.

I want my friends to celebrate my life, and celebrate the fact that I have taken the journey home and that I will come back in a new form to live, learn and grow again in order for our Creator to experience every experience he can on this plane, although I am planning on coming back as a dolphin in my next lifetime!

So to get back to last night, I took the plunge and invited my married friend over and I am not sorry I did. It was a wonderful experience and if it never happen again it is fine as well as I know I have made a stronger bond in our friendship.

I am able to share with him much more than other people and belief me I do not open up easily, I have even discovered I am inhibited writing my posts because I think that others will read it so I tend to not let go totally, I have decided I must work on this and will get better at it.

I am sad as one of the ladies who I work with is leaving us today and she is a wonderful teacher in being decisive and I have been learning from her. I can be strong headed but find it difficult to say no at times and I have to work on my not wanting to do unpleasant things as I know it stems from my insecurities and unworthiness that people might not like me if I do say no.

The joke is on me though because people then get the impression they can walk all over me and I think that is more horrid than people not liking me. So I have put in place that for a week I will say no to everything starting from Monday. Hahaha you might wonder why Monday? Well I am actually not seeing anyone this weekend and therefore it will be a waste of 2 days if I do it from today. Get my point of view now?

So I am going to have a very relaxing day at work, mourn my friends mother passing who was a grand old dame and then wish her well on her journey home, this will start in 3 days time when she has detached herself totally from her body.

So my thought for the day is have a blast and laugh a lot and know that you can only live life in the now as the past is gone and the present has not happened yet.

Be well and have a sunshine day :-)

A while now

2007-08-01T10:43:00.000-07:00

Hi all, ok so it was a while since I wrote something and I almost did not do it now but sexy man said I should write something again. So sexy man this is just for you :-)

The last couple of weeks have been up and down for me and I really pulled back and withdrew from everyone and everything, which means I also with drew from this simple communication.

I am sure it is just sexy man that comes and reads my ramblings and that is ok with me.

So while I was withdrawing from everyone and everything I did open up my spiritual being again and started meditating again but not as often yet as I should but at least I am starting again hey?

Work has been very busy and changes are taking place again but thank goodness I have learned to accept change and won't get to freaked out with what is happening, as long as I know what I have to do and not get caught up in what is happening around me.

I am not my perky self as yet but at least I am not so deep in the pit anymore hehehe one of these days I will be way up there again and the all I can say is "watch out world"

I am grateful that I have people in my life that cares and that have been standing by me through my little trip down the pit and who is helping up again.

I have noticed that my mood swings are less and I have even been able to listen to a friend and not feel detached from him in his time but felt his pain, as long as he realise that he can talk to me anytime and I will listen, I might not always have the right words to say to him but it is wonderful if you can just speak to someone else, it often gives you the answer you are looking for when you talk about your problems.

I have to say I feel I am really rambling and it is difficult to really open up at the moment, don't know why I am finding it difficult.

O yes, I am learning to get little bit more agressive in asking those people that owe me money to start paying me back but they are just not worried about the fact that they owe me a lot of money and then I get an sms from someone that I can give him a call! why must I give him a call if he wants to speak to me? he can bloody well pick up the phone and phone me. I can't belief some people and how bloody cheeky they are!

hehehe ok here it has surfaced the anger that is sitting in me, this is what has to come out of me so that I can move on.

I am furious about the money that is stilled owed me, damn I am a woman alone that have to look after myself and because I am good hearted and trust people that they will do what they say I get caught. Now 7 months later I have to struggle to get my money out of these people, bloody hell it is a couple who both work and get a much bigger sallary put together than me but I have to go without because they are to bloody selfish to start paying me what is rightfully mine!

So now they have caused that I will think twice before I help anyone else out and please don't call me any names because I won't help, blame them for making me realise that it is not worthwhile trusting others and helping them. All you get for being kind hearted is a kick under the butt and being called all kinds of names, luckily I always look at where it is coming from.

Now I have to start forgiving myself for allowing that to happen and forgive them for doing it to me and then the worst ask their forgiveness for whatever they feel I have done to them. This spiritual journey and having to forgive can get quite hard at times but I have found in the past that it does help, it is just to start doing it.

I have a bit of a way to go still.

Ok I think I will confess something sinful at this point in time.

I have no quilms about wanting a man that is married and am almost at the point that I will give in to allowing things to go much further, is it sinful to want him but not want to take him away from his wife? I belief that if that happens it will actually help his marriage as he can get what he wants from me and still have the love from his wife. I find it difficult to allow anyone very close into my life and that type of arrangement always works for me.

Please don't think I sleep around because that is not the case but once I take a lover I enjoy the fun it involves.

Damn ok I think I have really said way to much so must go!

Toodles be good and don't let things get you down as you are never given in life more than what you can handle.

Friday at last!

2007-07-13T12:44:00.000-07:00

Yeah it is Friday evening at last! I am watching a very entertaining movie called The Fox and it has the actor in Smallville that plays superman in. Hahaha I keep waiting for him to start flying or run like a bullet but he just is not doing that!

It is some sort of horror but I am experiencing light amusement by it so it is entertaining enough!

I thought I will start surfing the web to see if I can find things on Cutedolphin as that is my nic I use on some chat sites but all I find is a lovely lady in Japan that uses Cutedolphin so she seems lovely and that makes me happy.

Today was a day of irritation for me for some reason I was slightly irritated and tried to keep out of peoples way as I find it very energy consuming to get angry. I must say the people I work wth is wonderful and they pick up on the fact that I am not in a very talketive mood and leave me alone.

I am somewhat excited as I am going for reflexoligy tomorrow, I have not had that done for a very long time and it is really making me happy that I found someone that does it. I also have to say I have to feel comfortable with someone that is going to touch my feet!

I have to tell you I had a massage not to long ago and it was dreadful! U know when u look forward to something so much and then it is such a let down! Well I don't want to experience anything like that again so next time I will make sure I research the therapist first before I go to them.

Well coming back to the reflexoligy I am excited as this is a lovely lady and a dear friend as well and I can feel in me bones it is going to be a wonderful experience.

Lmao I just hope I find her house, I am quite well known for getting dreadfully lost even with a map!

I have discovered through experience that chat sites are a dangerous addictive passtime and it can take hours out of your day without you accomplishing anything and the people on the sites are extremely malicous. On the other hand though I have made 4 of the most amazing friends that you can ever imagine and will be eternally grateful for that.

Thank you my lovely friends I am indeed honoured to have you in my life and bless the day I met you!

Well that is me for now and I will report on the reflexology treatment and how it felt!

Have a lovely Saturday and may your day be filled with sunshine smiles :-)

Almost weekend!!!

2007-07-12T10:19:00.000-07:00

Yeah it is almost weekend!! Today was somewhat hectic with people that is never satisfied with things that you order them. I am so lucky I am a patient person and that I know that is a pure waste of energy to lose my temper but damn it was really close today.

Hehehe one of the ladies I work with saw that I was close to exploding and actually congratulated me on keeping a smile on my face! I was a bit quiet the rest of the day but quiet can be good you know. It makes you go into yourself and take count of what you can be grateful for in the world.

I seem to also battle getting held of some people which makes me very irritated as they have to submit their material today. O well hopefully I will get hold of them of tomorrow. Will visualise that tonight :-)

So I am in a bit of a slump but it is a small one and one I will get over soon. I am going for reflexology on Saturday and can't wait. It is one of the things that is so relaxing u should try it really!

Well I don't have to much to say so that is going to be it for now but remember smile and have a laugh in your voice and people respond to it!

Let the sunshine in!

2007-07-10T22:01:00.000-07:00

Yeah it is Wednesday, midweek and I have come into my full self again, what a relief! I feel great and the world is a wonderful place!

I know if you listen to the news it is bad but hey listen to the bad and feel grateful that your life is better!

I have decided to take my healing into my own hands or mind depending on how you look at it and I must say with the help of my doctor I am in much less pain now and I am once again realizing how I create what I want in my life.

For so long now I have been in a negative space and I must admit being with negative people or chatting to them does not help one bit. So take these people out of the equation and you will have won half the battle so to say.

I was watching The Secret last night and wow o wow I have remembered everything I learned a couple of years back on how to create! Do yourself a favor and get the movie it really is powerful and it reminds you of things that is actually very logical and that is we do create our own life and space and destiny and if we want it to be good well then that is what we have to create and drop all those negative ideas that gets put into you from an early age.

I was watching my sister in law with her grandchild and listening to what she is saying to this 2 month old baby and soon realized that there the seeds already get planted with what is yuck, everything she said to this baby was negative.

Now imagine him growing up and having been told kissing is yuck he does not want to kiss anyone. Then she can't understand why he does not want to kiss her his grandmother when she in fact told him as a baby every time she kissed him "O yuck"

So to get back to where I am now it took me watching The Secret to realize what I know anyway that I can create my own life, my health and my wealth and who I want to come into my life.

I have to get back in liking myself, and honestly I have started really disliking myself again! I am now realizing once again how a person can get affected negatively so I am going to do much more for the no 1 person in my life and that is me.

So maybe I will have to meditate every night in order to get to the space I was in 2 years ago, but you know it is really worth it because I was able to create very well and I know it will not be long before I can be back in that space, I give myself a week and that is really long :-)

So my dear readers go out and be grateful for what you have and let us start putting the good into our lives again.

Go well and have a sunshine day!

Mmmwwwaaaaahhhhhhh!

2007-07-08T10:15:00.000-07:00

Ok so a whole week has gone past without a word from me! well I just was not in the mood to say anything, but yesterday the 07/07/07 (great numbers) I decided it was time that I should pull myself towards myself and get out of this pit of darkness I have been stuck in.

I discovered a site with the most wonderful lessons and meditation that helps you to take control of your own life as well as activate your own healing. U know I know it works I did it before in my life a long time ago. I experienced the power of my own mind in healing myself and it is now the time to take action!

It took me quite a while to get back to a space where I am actually willing to do something for myself again and man I am getting more and more excited about the prospect of causing my healing with the help of the big man above of course!

well this last week was once again a dark abyss and I really don't want it over again. Then there are the men that think women are absolutely arse holes!!!! hellooo!!! we are not u know!!!! just because we stay by ourselves does not mean we are lonely pathetic beings!!! it might be a decision we made and are at peace with ourselves.

lol ok that my little bitching for now. I am going to watch X-Men now so be good and smile as really it is the best thing on a persons face!

lol be good and have a great week!!

Sunday night

2007-07-01T11:51:00.000-07:00

It's Sunday evening, 2 days since I last wrote anything, well I am back in my dark pit and I don't know how to get out, I did not take any tablets on Saturday morning and almost died of pain.

I don't know how I am going to overcome this as I just don't have the energy to climb out. Looking I see I am using a lot of negative so I am in the negative side of my life at the moment so what shall I do? Just embrace it at the moment and use it to learn some lessons for this life time.

I am not sure I want to learn any lessons at the moment, I just want to sit in a corner and die. Will I really miss anything exciting tomorrow if I die tonight? I wonder?

O well tomorrow is just work so what will I really miss if I don't wake up? I don't think that much to be honest. I have to phone and be cheerful and confince people they want to spend all their money.

My mind at this moment is really dark and I just don't know if I want to make it lighter.

Anyway I think it is time to go to sleep so have a wonderful week ahead.

So what now?

2007-06-29T11:59:00.000-07:00

Yeah it's Friday!!! Weekend has arrived and I have a wonderful friend who is visiting me this weekend. He has the ability to make me feel better and has sort of dragged me away from the bottom of the dark pit. I was in a better frame of mind today hahaha maybe because it was Friday or maybe the fact that I had a friend that did some sex talk with me that always seems to make me feel better!

Anyway I am like a quarter out of the pit and that seems to be something at least won't you say?

It seems like today was a good day for a sugar overload as one of the ladies I work with brought all kinds of sweets to work, yuck was narfie afterwards but it seemed to set the mood for a day of laughter and making work much more fun.

I decided that being in a dark pit can get to comfortable and I don't want to get comfortable there at all. So will make a effort to move further up the pit today;

I also realised that my so called problems is nothing compared to some of my friends problems. Damn I tend to work harder on their relationship than they do so once again I had to smooth things over between the two of them. Hahaha one of these days they might learn to communicate with each other.

I realised today we are on the downward slope towards the end of the year and before you know it we will be in December and then where did this year go?

Ok so I am bit boring at this moment so will leave you all to wonder what has happened and leave it at that.

Ciao

Sourpuss

2007-06-28T12:01:00.000-07:00

Hehehe can you belief it? comment by someone! o well I guess i do come off as a sourpuss but honestly being stuck in a dark pit is really so o so sad!

O well I am still there but have decided that I will use this as a tool to get myself out of that pit even if I have to crawl to the top! hahaha it is going to be a lot of crawling the way I feel now but I will use this depression the get in touch with those feelings I have been hiding away for awhile, you know the ones u don't want to admit is sitting there looking at you, in fact screaming "look at me!" but you just brush it aside saying not now I am busy, go away I will deal with you later.

Well guess what later has arrived with a bang so it is time to look at why I am ignoring my feelings of not doing certain things which should have been dealt with a long time ago. You might be wondering what I am talking about and honestly I am wondering what I am talking about as I have been ignoring the problem for so long that I have to now sit down and find out what I have to look at.

I think this is why I decided to start writting my blog (spelling mistakes and all) and to see where it will take me. Will it take me to the deeper part of my mind that I hide from the world and myself?

You know of course the person you lie the most to is yourself. Is it possible to really honestly be truly honest with yourself in a brutal way? I doubt it very much, I thought I was but have discovered I really can lie to myself the best. So now it is time to start taking action and telling myself the truth.

Being honest with others is also a very tricky thing, when u rather tell a little white lie because you don't want to hurt their feelings is rather saying I don't want to hurt my feelings. If you are truly honest with yourself then you can be honest with everyone else so I guess I will start by being honest with myself and the first honest thing I will tell myself is get a life girl and start crawling out of this dark pit you have thrown yourself in.

You know that there are times I get home sit in the car and think to myself if i close the garage door it will be so easy to just let the car run and go to sleep and never wake up. Then I realise if I do that I might miss out of something rather exciting tomorrow. Who knows I might inherit millions and by killing myself I might loose out on the excitement of spending all those millions lmfho!

Anyway I think that is enough dribble for one evening and funny I feel much better now so no more miss sourpuss for me!

Have a sunshine day and moonfilled evening

Dark Holes

2007-06-27T10:34:00.000-07:00

It is Wednesday and 19h44 and very cold, it is so cold you can freeze your tootsies if you're not careful!

I am alone and and sitting in this dark hole, it came creeping up on me Saturday 23rd of June from nowhere, no i lie it was not from nowhere I have felt it creeping up a week or two before hand but have decided to just ignore this feeling of utter despair coming my way. I did not want to admit that I am moving into a state of depression as it one of the feelings I hate! I am sure if you know depression you will agree with me it is the worst feeling in the world!

I am one of those irritating people that is always happy and smiling and when I turn into she-devil everyone is so shocked! hehehe they almost feel that you are out to get them. O pleeeeeaaazzzzeeee why waste time on them when I can just slit my wrist! they are so self centred.

I am wallowing in self pity now as I am in pain and can't stand it so I am sitting alone at home and ignoring all my friends who is spreading a rumour I am in hospital.

O well I am going to see how this blogging will make me feel and if I can just type the shit that pops into my head which might seem extremely inane at times but it could also be very releasing to just get my thoughts out there.

Well thats all for now from me, old sour puss, hey maybe I shoud rather have used that name as my usual name is to cutsy for this rambing.

Ok i am going now so have a great evening if you are in the mood for one.