Today is one of those days where I am wondering about a lot of things, yesterday I was ready to quite. Pack my bags and just leave, drive until I can't anymore and wherever I am settling down and starting a new life.
Doing that though will I actually leave behind the things that is bothering me? Answer to that question is not really, I will run away and they will come back bigger and badder that before and then it will be even more difficult to deal with them.
So here I am today wondering how I create such a negative life force at the moment, and let me tell you I know all about creating as I am very good at creating things in my life, usually I create good things but at this moment it is negative.
That is why I decided to write here again as it seems to help to get things out in the open for me. I have a lot of pain at the moment and I do know that if I sort out the emotional the physical will be sorted out automaticly.
Now to start sorting out the emotional is where the problem lie! I apparently as I see it do not want to go to that place that is causing all the negativity in my life, I am skirting around it and might glimpse at it but just don't go to it.
I am quite capable of going there myself but I think for this issue I will need help and support and the one person who used to do that for me stays in Cape Town and I can't get there at the moment, work is busy and I am obviously avoiding so will make excuses.
I have to find a mentor in Johannesburg who can take me through the process of looking at these emotional issues that i do not want to look at.
Now if you know me you will know that I always keep a distance from other people and I think this is also the reason I do this. So my next mission is to go and find out what I am clinging onto and for what reason I am not wanting to look at it.
You all have a nice day now.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Sex and sexuality
This is my view on sex and sexuality and I don't expect others to agree with me.
When I grew up I was an over sexual child, this might seem funny to people to hear this but I have a lot of sexuality and I grew up in a time when that was frowned upon. I was made to feel that sex is a dirty thing and if you enjoyed it well that was just plain wrong. So I had a lot of guilt around my sexuality and the fact that I enjoyed sex.
It was years later in my late 30's in fact that i realized that sex is a wonderful, pleasurable experience and there is no guilt attached to enjoying sex. If you enjoy sex and you have a partner that is also amazing at it and enjoys it as much as you then the experience is that much more intense.
Having sex with someone is a give and take situation, you give as much as what you get and it is a mind blowing experience.
I have had partners that just don't give they want all the pleasure but is not prepared to give pleasure as well and then it feels totally wrong. I belief that is when it starts feeling dirty and the guilt can set in.
I was brought up with the idea that if you have sex with someone else except your husband it is because you are looking for approval and I actually bought into that concept. Today I realize it has nothing to do with looking for approval.
I have had a lover that was so intense in giving me pleasure that I belief I became addicted to the experience of having an orgasm and it spoiled me by me having partners after him that just was horrible and the act became a release at some level but not what I wanted.
Now I have met someone that has the same view as myself and once again the act of making love is an amazing experience.
Being a very sexual being I view sex very important indeed in my life and I could not understand that both my husbands was A-sexual well that is until last night when I was told that I chose men that was the opposite to me and wham!! the light bulb was switched on for me in a big way! If they were the opposite to me then yes they would be a-sexual as I am so sexual.
It was not my fault that they did not like sex as I firmly believed and damn that screwed me up for a very long time in my life. I believed that I was not attractive to men and it made me very insecure. Now my friend and lover has shown me that it was not me but them, they could not help that they were the way that they were and that their libido was non existent.
I am enjoying my life and being with someone else is a lot of fun but I really enjoy my own company the most. It makes me appreciate being with someone that much more. I think that knowing that I can be with someone that appreciates all different types of lovemaking is going to be just the most amazing time ahead and my wish is that more people can experience this without that horrible guilt that loves to pop out its head.
Guilt has no opposite and once again this is my view and opinion and therefore if there is no opposite to guilt then guilt does not exist.
I belief guilt was created by people who with guilt and making others feel guilty control other people. It is so easy to play the martyr and by doing that you so wrap another person in guilt that they will do whatever you want them to do. So remember people there is no such thing as guilt and if you feel guilty it is because that is a way other people control you and make you do things that you don't really want to do. So let it go!
Well that is me for now, have a wonderful day and let the sun shine on you.
When I grew up I was an over sexual child, this might seem funny to people to hear this but I have a lot of sexuality and I grew up in a time when that was frowned upon. I was made to feel that sex is a dirty thing and if you enjoyed it well that was just plain wrong. So I had a lot of guilt around my sexuality and the fact that I enjoyed sex.
It was years later in my late 30's in fact that i realized that sex is a wonderful, pleasurable experience and there is no guilt attached to enjoying sex. If you enjoy sex and you have a partner that is also amazing at it and enjoys it as much as you then the experience is that much more intense.
Having sex with someone is a give and take situation, you give as much as what you get and it is a mind blowing experience.
I have had partners that just don't give they want all the pleasure but is not prepared to give pleasure as well and then it feels totally wrong. I belief that is when it starts feeling dirty and the guilt can set in.
I was brought up with the idea that if you have sex with someone else except your husband it is because you are looking for approval and I actually bought into that concept. Today I realize it has nothing to do with looking for approval.
I have had a lover that was so intense in giving me pleasure that I belief I became addicted to the experience of having an orgasm and it spoiled me by me having partners after him that just was horrible and the act became a release at some level but not what I wanted.
Now I have met someone that has the same view as myself and once again the act of making love is an amazing experience.
Being a very sexual being I view sex very important indeed in my life and I could not understand that both my husbands was A-sexual well that is until last night when I was told that I chose men that was the opposite to me and wham!! the light bulb was switched on for me in a big way! If they were the opposite to me then yes they would be a-sexual as I am so sexual.
It was not my fault that they did not like sex as I firmly believed and damn that screwed me up for a very long time in my life. I believed that I was not attractive to men and it made me very insecure. Now my friend and lover has shown me that it was not me but them, they could not help that they were the way that they were and that their libido was non existent.
I am enjoying my life and being with someone else is a lot of fun but I really enjoy my own company the most. It makes me appreciate being with someone that much more. I think that knowing that I can be with someone that appreciates all different types of lovemaking is going to be just the most amazing time ahead and my wish is that more people can experience this without that horrible guilt that loves to pop out its head.
Guilt has no opposite and once again this is my view and opinion and therefore if there is no opposite to guilt then guilt does not exist.
I belief guilt was created by people who with guilt and making others feel guilty control other people. It is so easy to play the martyr and by doing that you so wrap another person in guilt that they will do whatever you want them to do. So remember people there is no such thing as guilt and if you feel guilty it is because that is a way other people control you and make you do things that you don't really want to do. So let it go!
Well that is me for now, have a wonderful day and let the sun shine on you.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
What's wrong with being nice?
You might think this is a strange question to ask but it seem that if you are polite, friendly, nice and happy people think that it is a sign of being weak. That is correct you have read right I said weak.
This is something that I am discovering more and more as i am polite, friendly, nice and happy and I am experiencing people trying to walk all over me. I also have a lot of patience so it takes quite a bit to actually make me angry but o boy the day I get angry and feel that you have p*ssed on my battery once to often well what can I say that is the day I turn and baby your goose is cooked and I mean cooked! Solidly.
I had a boss that actually introduced me to my new boss his replacement as saying "If she likes you she will follow you to hell but if she does not like you then you can forget it" I was taken aback by that statement but on reflection I realized he was correct. I will do and cover for the person I like but if I don't like you then I will just do the necessary and any screw ups you will have to sort out yourself I won't help or deflect the brunt of the problem. Deal with it yourself.
Well I have decided that yes I am nice and all but obviously people don't appreciate nice and for that reason I am going to bring out the bitch a bit and they can deal with her. I will but miss nice on ice for a while.
Actually that can be a lot of fun and I can get a lot of laughs out of it so that would make life very intresting and entertaining for a while.
Well I am hearing all kinds of funny noises so I must go and investigate to see where it is coming from.
Be well and remember when u meet that nice person don't think they are weak they are just happy in themselves and can be nice to the rest of the world. Don't awaken the dragon inside of them.
Sunshine and laughter!!
This is something that I am discovering more and more as i am polite, friendly, nice and happy and I am experiencing people trying to walk all over me. I also have a lot of patience so it takes quite a bit to actually make me angry but o boy the day I get angry and feel that you have p*ssed on my battery once to often well what can I say that is the day I turn and baby your goose is cooked and I mean cooked! Solidly.
I had a boss that actually introduced me to my new boss his replacement as saying "If she likes you she will follow you to hell but if she does not like you then you can forget it" I was taken aback by that statement but on reflection I realized he was correct. I will do and cover for the person I like but if I don't like you then I will just do the necessary and any screw ups you will have to sort out yourself I won't help or deflect the brunt of the problem. Deal with it yourself.
Well I have decided that yes I am nice and all but obviously people don't appreciate nice and for that reason I am going to bring out the bitch a bit and they can deal with her. I will but miss nice on ice for a while.
Actually that can be a lot of fun and I can get a lot of laughs out of it so that would make life very intresting and entertaining for a while.
Well I am hearing all kinds of funny noises so I must go and investigate to see where it is coming from.
Be well and remember when u meet that nice person don't think they are weak they are just happy in themselves and can be nice to the rest of the world. Don't awaken the dragon inside of them.
Sunshine and laughter!!
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Fun?
Ok where did the time go since I have last been here? I can't belief it is the 14th today!
Fun how many people actually have fun? It might be a funny question but ask yourself this same question. "Do I actually have fun in my life?"
We get up in the morning, get in our cars or our bikes, taxis, buses or which ever way of transport we take to get to work. Sit in traffic for hours unless like me you go to work 2 hours before you actually have to be there to miss the traffic. Then at the office you have some idiot that think they are the boss where in the meantime they only work on a contractual basis for your company but they get away with all kinds of things because they are the bosses girl/boyfriend and you are not allowed to say or do anything against this person.
Well today was very close or we actually told this person to f**k off back to their place where they can if they want quiet work in quiet but at the office there are other people all working in one office and yes we are loud, we discuss things heatedly at times when we find out we have made a mistake and no we do not try to hide our mistakes we actually try to sort it out even when it sounds as if we are having a major argument we are actually having a discussion.
This is one of the ways we actually have fun in the office we can say rather rude things to each other and belief me it never gets ugly and we don't go under the belt and call each other ugly names and we can have a good laugh about it afterwards.
So this is one way of having fun and then you do get that person that is a drag and bring down the whole house when they walk in.
We used to sit and laugh and tell jokes but was told we are to noisy so now we tend to sit in quiet and do our work and it has taken some of the fun out of the work place for me.
I have a habit that when I do boring things or tedious things and it might get to be a drag I will start playing little games with myself, part of my job is selling and being on the phone a lot of the time during the day. Well I have discovered that I have an ability to make people laugh by just laughing and saying something silly or rather I say something silly and then laugh about it and appologised for it. I have found a lot of fun doing this and the person on the other side also have a little bit of fun for the day. You would be surprised how depressed a lot of people actually is out there.
Hahaha it also helps that I have a extremely sexy voice and a laugh that is very naughty so people respond to it immediately.
also if you are in a habit of having a lot of fun when you are depressed you quickly realise it is a horrible place to be and you want to move to that fun place. So it is easy to pick yourself up by your boot straps and start making a plan to have some fun.
If it is by meditating and looking at what issue you have to sort out to get out of that pit then go for it and it is not long before you are back in that happy go lucky place where life is a blast. Just beware that some schrew don't put a damper on the mood.
I also find that it helps if you had a hard time at work that when you drive home in that horrible traffic jams it is a good therapy to scream and shout and then see how funny it is and then have a good giggle about it.
Actually thanks I really feel great able to being able to share all this with whoever reads my blog.
Have a wonderful day and remember laugh and the day will feel great.
Fun how many people actually have fun? It might be a funny question but ask yourself this same question. "Do I actually have fun in my life?"
We get up in the morning, get in our cars or our bikes, taxis, buses or which ever way of transport we take to get to work. Sit in traffic for hours unless like me you go to work 2 hours before you actually have to be there to miss the traffic. Then at the office you have some idiot that think they are the boss where in the meantime they only work on a contractual basis for your company but they get away with all kinds of things because they are the bosses girl/boyfriend and you are not allowed to say or do anything against this person.
Well today was very close or we actually told this person to f**k off back to their place where they can if they want quiet work in quiet but at the office there are other people all working in one office and yes we are loud, we discuss things heatedly at times when we find out we have made a mistake and no we do not try to hide our mistakes we actually try to sort it out even when it sounds as if we are having a major argument we are actually having a discussion.
This is one of the ways we actually have fun in the office we can say rather rude things to each other and belief me it never gets ugly and we don't go under the belt and call each other ugly names and we can have a good laugh about it afterwards.
So this is one way of having fun and then you do get that person that is a drag and bring down the whole house when they walk in.
We used to sit and laugh and tell jokes but was told we are to noisy so now we tend to sit in quiet and do our work and it has taken some of the fun out of the work place for me.
I have a habit that when I do boring things or tedious things and it might get to be a drag I will start playing little games with myself, part of my job is selling and being on the phone a lot of the time during the day. Well I have discovered that I have an ability to make people laugh by just laughing and saying something silly or rather I say something silly and then laugh about it and appologised for it. I have found a lot of fun doing this and the person on the other side also have a little bit of fun for the day. You would be surprised how depressed a lot of people actually is out there.
Hahaha it also helps that I have a extremely sexy voice and a laugh that is very naughty so people respond to it immediately.
also if you are in a habit of having a lot of fun when you are depressed you quickly realise it is a horrible place to be and you want to move to that fun place. So it is easy to pick yourself up by your boot straps and start making a plan to have some fun.
If it is by meditating and looking at what issue you have to sort out to get out of that pit then go for it and it is not long before you are back in that happy go lucky place where life is a blast. Just beware that some schrew don't put a damper on the mood.
I also find that it helps if you had a hard time at work that when you drive home in that horrible traffic jams it is a good therapy to scream and shout and then see how funny it is and then have a good giggle about it.
Actually thanks I really feel great able to being able to share all this with whoever reads my blog.
Have a wonderful day and remember laugh and the day will feel great.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Yeah long weekend!!
What can I say? It is long weekend!!! I can't tell you how much I have been looking forward to this break, I am totally tired and just want to go and sleep for the whole weekend but unfortunately that never happens.
I am planning on having a nice relaxed time, watching dvds and am going on Saturday to have reflexology again. Man o man I wish I can tell you how nice it is. There really is nothing in the world like it. It takes you totally into another world.
I am rather cold at the moment, the cold front has come with a vengeance and the best place is under the blankets.
My heart is sore as my friends mothers funeral is today and she said she suddenly feels like an orphan as if she does not belong. I feel like telling her she is welcome to share my parents with me. I really have wonderful parents. She has though her children and they are a lovely close family.
I am still sitting on my resentment with those people that owes me money and should really be working at dealing with those feelings, I find myself very irritable with everyone around me and it is unfair on others to take my moods out on them. Hopefully this will also pass soon and I can really move to my old happy go lucky self again. I actually don't enjoy myself this way either.
Well it is almost time to go home and start a lovely weekend and hopefully I will see a sexy man this weekend as well. Now that will put a smile on my face!
Have a happy weekend and just relax and rest.
I am planning on having a nice relaxed time, watching dvds and am going on Saturday to have reflexology again. Man o man I wish I can tell you how nice it is. There really is nothing in the world like it. It takes you totally into another world.
I am rather cold at the moment, the cold front has come with a vengeance and the best place is under the blankets.
My heart is sore as my friends mothers funeral is today and she said she suddenly feels like an orphan as if she does not belong. I feel like telling her she is welcome to share my parents with me. I really have wonderful parents. She has though her children and they are a lovely close family.
I am still sitting on my resentment with those people that owes me money and should really be working at dealing with those feelings, I find myself very irritable with everyone around me and it is unfair on others to take my moods out on them. Hopefully this will also pass soon and I can really move to my old happy go lucky self again. I actually don't enjoy myself this way either.
Well it is almost time to go home and start a lovely weekend and hopefully I will see a sexy man this weekend as well. Now that will put a smile on my face!
Have a happy weekend and just relax and rest.
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Saturday yeah!
Saturday morning and I am still in bed! It is so nice to be able to just be lazy for a bit, not to rush out at ungodley hours to go to work.
I have to get going just now as I realised yesterday that the petrol shortage is for real on my side of the world, I will have to go fill up with petrol or I am going to find it difficult to get to work.
Hahaha unexpected vacation, although with modern technology I actually do not have to be at work to do my work. I have the internet and a phone I can easily do my work from home and being connected I can communicate with the designer of the mag at all times. So whether I am at home or at work I can work from both.
I think going to the office everyday just makes you aware that you have to work and it is nice to interact with other people, even for me who is at the moment far more comfortable being on my own than with others, if I really want to be with or even just talk to others I can pick up the phone and call them or even log onto a chat site but at this point I am not all that intrested to do that.
I am blessed with wonderful friends who understand that I need my space at times so they will interact with me when I feel the need for their loving support.
I also am furious as I had so called friends and when they asked me for my help I gladly gave it but now that they have to pay back they are gone!! I belief I might have spoken about this before so ok I will not bore you with this topic again.
Last night I was watching the most boring movies on tv and decided to play on the internet and downloaded something, it just made me so confused as it asked something I don't understand so now I must go find clever person to help me. It is fun though because I just venture into things I don't understand so I have to learn to deal with it and I am not shy to ask for help. I love learning new things even if I say at times I don't.
Do u know that I sometimes wonder what is going on here in SA. I was listening to the news the other morning about the girl that was raped at the hospital and when someone on the report said we live in South Africa and we should accept that we have to live with alarms and in fear I thought to myself that is the biggest load of B...S... I have ever heard!!!!!! Why should we get used to live in fear? Why must we actually accept this situation. We are basicly trained by the government that people who do bad things is more protected. Damn if you want to do something bad it should be murder instead of theft as for murder you would be out of prison much quicker than theft or fraught.
You drive home night or day and you have to make sure no one follows you, why is the crime so bad and we just sheepishly accept the situation. My boss said people get trained to be a certain way and he is so right, we are trained to accept the situation in South Africa and we actually just adapt our lives to it.
So we live and work in fear and in security places which if the thief want to get in he will actually because if they are planning on getting your hard earned things they will do it.
Hahahaha ok that is me off my little soap box, I just feel like uttering some thoughts that has been milling in my mind the last couple of days.
I hope your day is one of pleasure and abundance and full of sunshine laughter.
Be good
I have to get going just now as I realised yesterday that the petrol shortage is for real on my side of the world, I will have to go fill up with petrol or I am going to find it difficult to get to work.
Hahaha unexpected vacation, although with modern technology I actually do not have to be at work to do my work. I have the internet and a phone I can easily do my work from home and being connected I can communicate with the designer of the mag at all times. So whether I am at home or at work I can work from both.
I think going to the office everyday just makes you aware that you have to work and it is nice to interact with other people, even for me who is at the moment far more comfortable being on my own than with others, if I really want to be with or even just talk to others I can pick up the phone and call them or even log onto a chat site but at this point I am not all that intrested to do that.
I am blessed with wonderful friends who understand that I need my space at times so they will interact with me when I feel the need for their loving support.
I also am furious as I had so called friends and when they asked me for my help I gladly gave it but now that they have to pay back they are gone!! I belief I might have spoken about this before so ok I will not bore you with this topic again.
Last night I was watching the most boring movies on tv and decided to play on the internet and downloaded something, it just made me so confused as it asked something I don't understand so now I must go find clever person to help me. It is fun though because I just venture into things I don't understand so I have to learn to deal with it and I am not shy to ask for help. I love learning new things even if I say at times I don't.
Do u know that I sometimes wonder what is going on here in SA. I was listening to the news the other morning about the girl that was raped at the hospital and when someone on the report said we live in South Africa and we should accept that we have to live with alarms and in fear I thought to myself that is the biggest load of B...S... I have ever heard!!!!!! Why should we get used to live in fear? Why must we actually accept this situation. We are basicly trained by the government that people who do bad things is more protected. Damn if you want to do something bad it should be murder instead of theft as for murder you would be out of prison much quicker than theft or fraught.
You drive home night or day and you have to make sure no one follows you, why is the crime so bad and we just sheepishly accept the situation. My boss said people get trained to be a certain way and he is so right, we are trained to accept the situation in South Africa and we actually just adapt our lives to it.
So we live and work in fear and in security places which if the thief want to get in he will actually because if they are planning on getting your hard earned things they will do it.
Hahahaha ok that is me off my little soap box, I just feel like uttering some thoughts that has been milling in my mind the last couple of days.
I hope your day is one of pleasure and abundance and full of sunshine laughter.
Be good
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Live Life
So last night was amazing and I was able to release some pent up energy and I feel great this morning. On the other hand I got an sms from lady at work to inform me that one of the other ladies at work who I also consider a wonderful friend lost her mother.
It makes you think about your own mortality. I know that when I die I want a party at my funeral in fact I don't want a funeral, just have a party and remember my life, my good points and bad points and then now that if you loved me I definitely loved you and I will be in your heart for ever and more.
I want my friends to celebrate my life, and celebrate the fact that I have taken the journey home and that I will come back in a new form to live, learn and grow again in order for our Creator to experience every experience he can on this plane, although I am planning on coming back as a dolphin in my next lifetime!
So to get back to last night, I took the plunge and invited my married friend over and I am not sorry I did. It was a wonderful experience and if it never happen again it is fine as well as I know I have made a stronger bond in our friendship.
I am able to share with him much more than other people and belief me I do not open up easily, I have even discovered I am inhibited writing my posts because I think that others will read it so I tend to not let go totally, I have decided I must work on this and will get better at it.
I am sad as one of the ladies who I work with is leaving us today and she is a wonderful teacher in being decisive and I have been learning from her. I can be strong headed but find it difficult to say no at times and I have to work on my not wanting to do unpleasant things as I know it stems from my insecurities and unworthiness that people might not like me if I do say no.
The joke is on me though because people then get the impression they can walk all over me and I think that is more horrid than people not liking me. So I have put in place that for a week I will say no to everything starting from Monday. Hahaha you might wonder why Monday? Well I am actually not seeing anyone this weekend and therefore it will be a waste of 2 days if I do it from today. Get my point of view now?
So I am going to have a very relaxing day at work, mourn my friends mother passing who was a grand old dame and then wish her well on her journey home, this will start in 3 days time when she has detached herself totally from her body.
So my thought for the day is have a blast and laugh a lot and know that you can only live life in the now as the past is gone and the present has not happened yet.
Be well and have a sunshine day :-)
It makes you think about your own mortality. I know that when I die I want a party at my funeral in fact I don't want a funeral, just have a party and remember my life, my good points and bad points and then now that if you loved me I definitely loved you and I will be in your heart for ever and more.
I want my friends to celebrate my life, and celebrate the fact that I have taken the journey home and that I will come back in a new form to live, learn and grow again in order for our Creator to experience every experience he can on this plane, although I am planning on coming back as a dolphin in my next lifetime!
So to get back to last night, I took the plunge and invited my married friend over and I am not sorry I did. It was a wonderful experience and if it never happen again it is fine as well as I know I have made a stronger bond in our friendship.
I am able to share with him much more than other people and belief me I do not open up easily, I have even discovered I am inhibited writing my posts because I think that others will read it so I tend to not let go totally, I have decided I must work on this and will get better at it.
I am sad as one of the ladies who I work with is leaving us today and she is a wonderful teacher in being decisive and I have been learning from her. I can be strong headed but find it difficult to say no at times and I have to work on my not wanting to do unpleasant things as I know it stems from my insecurities and unworthiness that people might not like me if I do say no.
The joke is on me though because people then get the impression they can walk all over me and I think that is more horrid than people not liking me. So I have put in place that for a week I will say no to everything starting from Monday. Hahaha you might wonder why Monday? Well I am actually not seeing anyone this weekend and therefore it will be a waste of 2 days if I do it from today. Get my point of view now?
So I am going to have a very relaxing day at work, mourn my friends mother passing who was a grand old dame and then wish her well on her journey home, this will start in 3 days time when she has detached herself totally from her body.
So my thought for the day is have a blast and laugh a lot and know that you can only live life in the now as the past is gone and the present has not happened yet.
Be well and have a sunshine day :-)
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
A while now
Hi all, ok so it was a while since I wrote something and I almost did not do it now but sexy man said I should write something again. So sexy man this is just for you :-)
The last couple of weeks have been up and down for me and I really pulled back and withdrew from everyone and everything, which means I also with drew from this simple communication.
I am sure it is just sexy man that comes and reads my ramblings and that is ok with me.
So while I was withdrawing from everyone and everything I did open up my spiritual being again and started meditating again but not as often yet as I should but at least I am starting again hey?
Work has been very busy and changes are taking place again but thank goodness I have learned to accept change and won't get to freaked out with what is happening, as long as I know what I have to do and not get caught up in what is happening around me.
I am not my perky self as yet but at least I am not so deep in the pit anymore hehehe one of these days I will be way up there again and the all I can say is "watch out world"
I am grateful that I have people in my life that cares and that have been standing by me through my little trip down the pit and who is helping up again.
I have noticed that my mood swings are less and I have even been able to listen to a friend and not feel detached from him in his time but felt his pain, as long as he realise that he can talk to me anytime and I will listen, I might not always have the right words to say to him but it is wonderful if you can just speak to someone else, it often gives you the answer you are looking for when you talk about your problems.
I have to say I feel I am really rambling and it is difficult to really open up at the moment, don't know why I am finding it difficult.
O yes, I am learning to get little bit more agressive in asking those people that owe me money to start paying me back but they are just not worried about the fact that they owe me a lot of money and then I get an sms from someone that I can give him a call! why must I give him a call if he wants to speak to me? he can bloody well pick up the phone and phone me. I can't belief some people and how bloody cheeky they are!
hehehe ok here it has surfaced the anger that is sitting in me, this is what has to come out of me so that I can move on.
I am furious about the money that is stilled owed me, damn I am a woman alone that have to look after myself and because I am good hearted and trust people that they will do what they say I get caught. Now 7 months later I have to struggle to get my money out of these people, bloody hell it is a couple who both work and get a much bigger sallary put together than me but I have to go without because they are to bloody selfish to start paying me what is rightfully mine!
So now they have caused that I will think twice before I help anyone else out and please don't call me any names because I won't help, blame them for making me realise that it is not worthwhile trusting others and helping them. All you get for being kind hearted is a kick under the butt and being called all kinds of names, luckily I always look at where it is coming from.
Now I have to start forgiving myself for allowing that to happen and forgive them for doing it to me and then the worst ask their forgiveness for whatever they feel I have done to them. This spiritual journey and having to forgive can get quite hard at times but I have found in the past that it does help, it is just to start doing it.
I have a bit of a way to go still.
Ok I think I will confess something sinful at this point in time.
I have no quilms about wanting a man that is married and am almost at the point that I will give in to allowing things to go much further, is it sinful to want him but not want to take him away from his wife? I belief that if that happens it will actually help his marriage as he can get what he wants from me and still have the love from his wife. I find it difficult to allow anyone very close into my life and that type of arrangement always works for me.
Please don't think I sleep around because that is not the case but once I take a lover I enjoy the fun it involves.
Damn ok I think I have really said way to much so must go!
Toodles be good and don't let things get you down as you are never given in life more than what you can handle.
The last couple of weeks have been up and down for me and I really pulled back and withdrew from everyone and everything, which means I also with drew from this simple communication.
I am sure it is just sexy man that comes and reads my ramblings and that is ok with me.
So while I was withdrawing from everyone and everything I did open up my spiritual being again and started meditating again but not as often yet as I should but at least I am starting again hey?
Work has been very busy and changes are taking place again but thank goodness I have learned to accept change and won't get to freaked out with what is happening, as long as I know what I have to do and not get caught up in what is happening around me.
I am not my perky self as yet but at least I am not so deep in the pit anymore hehehe one of these days I will be way up there again and the all I can say is "watch out world"
I am grateful that I have people in my life that cares and that have been standing by me through my little trip down the pit and who is helping up again.
I have noticed that my mood swings are less and I have even been able to listen to a friend and not feel detached from him in his time but felt his pain, as long as he realise that he can talk to me anytime and I will listen, I might not always have the right words to say to him but it is wonderful if you can just speak to someone else, it often gives you the answer you are looking for when you talk about your problems.
I have to say I feel I am really rambling and it is difficult to really open up at the moment, don't know why I am finding it difficult.
O yes, I am learning to get little bit more agressive in asking those people that owe me money to start paying me back but they are just not worried about the fact that they owe me a lot of money and then I get an sms from someone that I can give him a call! why must I give him a call if he wants to speak to me? he can bloody well pick up the phone and phone me. I can't belief some people and how bloody cheeky they are!
hehehe ok here it has surfaced the anger that is sitting in me, this is what has to come out of me so that I can move on.
I am furious about the money that is stilled owed me, damn I am a woman alone that have to look after myself and because I am good hearted and trust people that they will do what they say I get caught. Now 7 months later I have to struggle to get my money out of these people, bloody hell it is a couple who both work and get a much bigger sallary put together than me but I have to go without because they are to bloody selfish to start paying me what is rightfully mine!
So now they have caused that I will think twice before I help anyone else out and please don't call me any names because I won't help, blame them for making me realise that it is not worthwhile trusting others and helping them. All you get for being kind hearted is a kick under the butt and being called all kinds of names, luckily I always look at where it is coming from.
Now I have to start forgiving myself for allowing that to happen and forgive them for doing it to me and then the worst ask their forgiveness for whatever they feel I have done to them. This spiritual journey and having to forgive can get quite hard at times but I have found in the past that it does help, it is just to start doing it.
I have a bit of a way to go still.
Ok I think I will confess something sinful at this point in time.
I have no quilms about wanting a man that is married and am almost at the point that I will give in to allowing things to go much further, is it sinful to want him but not want to take him away from his wife? I belief that if that happens it will actually help his marriage as he can get what he wants from me and still have the love from his wife. I find it difficult to allow anyone very close into my life and that type of arrangement always works for me.
Please don't think I sleep around because that is not the case but once I take a lover I enjoy the fun it involves.
Damn ok I think I have really said way to much so must go!
Toodles be good and don't let things get you down as you are never given in life more than what you can handle.
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