A while now

Hi all, ok so it was a while since I wrote something and I almost did not do it now but sexy man said I should write something again. So sexy man this is just for you :-)



The last couple of weeks have been up and down for me and I really pulled back and withdrew from everyone and everything, which means I also with drew from this simple communication.



I am sure it is just sexy man that comes and reads my ramblings and that is ok with me.



So while I was withdrawing from everyone and everything I did open up my spiritual being again and started meditating again but not as often yet as I should but at least I am starting again hey?



Work has been very busy and changes are taking place again but thank goodness I have learned to accept change and won't get to freaked out with what is happening, as long as I know what I have to do and not get caught up in what is happening around me.

I am not my perky self as yet but at least I am not so deep in the pit anymore hehehe one of these days I will be way up there again and the all I can say is "watch out world"

I am grateful that I have people in my life that cares and that have been standing by me through my little trip down the pit and who is helping up again.

I have noticed that my mood swings are less and I have even been able to listen to a friend and not feel detached from him in his time but felt his pain, as long as he realise that he can talk to me anytime and I will listen, I might not always have the right words to say to him but it is wonderful if you can just speak to someone else, it often gives you the answer you are looking for when you talk about your problems.

I have to say I feel I am really rambling and it is difficult to really open up at the moment, don't know why I am finding it difficult.

O yes, I am learning to get little bit more agressive in asking those people that owe me money to start paying me back but they are just not worried about the fact that they owe me a lot of money and then I get an sms from someone that I can give him a call! why must I give him a call if he wants to speak to me? he can bloody well pick up the phone and phone me. I can't belief some people and how bloody cheeky they are!

hehehe ok here it has surfaced the anger that is sitting in me, this is what has to come out of me so that I can move on.

I am furious about the money that is stilled owed me, damn I am a woman alone that have to look after myself and because I am good hearted and trust people that they will do what they say I get caught. Now 7 months later I have to struggle to get my money out of these people, bloody hell it is a couple who both work and get a much bigger sallary put together than me but I have to go without because they are to bloody selfish to start paying me what is rightfully mine!

So now they have caused that I will think twice before I help anyone else out and please don't call me any names because I won't help, blame them for making me realise that it is not worthwhile trusting others and helping them. All you get for being kind hearted is a kick under the butt and being called all kinds of names, luckily I always look at where it is coming from.

Now I have to start forgiving myself for allowing that to happen and forgive them for doing it to me and then the worst ask their forgiveness for whatever they feel I have done to them. This spiritual journey and having to forgive can get quite hard at times but I have found in the past that it does help, it is just to start doing it.

I have a bit of a way to go still.

Ok I think I will confess something sinful at this point in time.

I have no quilms about wanting a man that is married and am almost at the point that I will give in to allowing things to go much further, is it sinful to want him but not want to take him away from his wife? I belief that if that happens it will actually help his marriage as he can get what he wants from me and still have the love from his wife. I find it difficult to allow anyone very close into my life and that type of arrangement always works for me.

Please don't think I sleep around because that is not the case but once I take a lover I enjoy the fun it involves.

Damn ok I think I have really said way to much so must go!

Toodles be good and don't let things get you down as you are never given in life more than what you can handle.